Monday, February 04, 2008
Minions #99.5 - On Watch
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Your eyes are important to us, please read an important message from the Cap'n, following the usual commercial music on hold...
While waiting for your impending doom, pick up a Minions at Work 2008 Calendar or other great gift:
THE MINION'S LAIR OF MERCHANDISE
"Where all our customers are satisfied, because those are the ones we allow to live!"
NUMBER TWO'S HOUSE OF NAUGHTY
(Oh, come on. You know you want to be naughty!)
Join the Minions reminder email list or we will send a presidential candidate to kiss all your babies!* It's free, it's easy, and you'll never miss a Minions at Work cartoon (or if you do, it won't be our fault!)
*Actually, we're just going to send Minion Number Two and he's just going to bruise the little tyke's face with his gas-mask. This, however, is still better than being kissed by the candidate.)
Attention, all hands on deck! All hands on deck! (Whoops, we forgot to surface the sub first. Our bad...
Arr, greetings, scurvy dogs! This be Cap'n Rehab!
You be think'n 'no Minions at Work #100 this week," and yee'd be right enough. It's been one O' them weeks, with fierce weather, out-O-town guests, exploding appliances, and roofers working next-door ta' Big Steve's office so's he couldn't record sound. (Arr. I wasn't supposed to say that!)
So he comes to me and he says, Cap'n I gots a dangerous mission for you (except he dont' say 'gots' cuz' he talks funny-like). I needs you to hold them off shore while I gets this one finished. The odds be hopeless. It's one against an armada. But I gots me confidence in ya's.
Now, Danger ain't me middle name, but it is the middle three digits of me Social Security number, so I heads right down to the docks, has Mister Penguin fire up nuclear reactors, and we sets sail with the tide, and here I be...vamping for all I be worth...
So's, I'm betting you be asking yourself, a dashing rogue of the sea such as yourself, what's yer story?
Well stop shaking in yer leg-irons, 'cuz I'll tell ya's. As for me past, that's a shadowy mystery, and besides, the court records is sealed. But serve it to say that I command the most powerful fish that ever swam the sea, the mighty submarine/reputation rehabilition center, "Naughtyless." She's manned with a full crew O' cutthroats, scalawags, washed-up pop stars, Oscar-winning-mean-drunks, ex-child-actors, and senators with wandering hands. O'course, the whole lot of them put together ain't worth a bilge full O' warm spit as a crew, so's I hires me some Minions to do the real work...
Back off on the bow planes two degrees Mister Penguin, and watch those reactor core temperatures! I know you be an even finer Nuclear Engineer than President Carter, but don't cut it too close in the name O' speed!
Sure'n all these has-beens and never-wases are a scurvy lot, but they keeps me in the tabloids, and that's what really counts. And they pays me, so's I got plenty of doubloons to give the Minions half-wages and short-rations, and still pocket 90% O' thu take.
Arr, 'scuse me. Duty calls. We got some sonar echos -- could be a school O' sardines -- or it might be that bewitching siren of the sea, Betty Ford, come to take us all to a watery grave...
Rendezvous at these coordinates next week, and we'll see what be happenin'