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Greetings, Studio Execs and Mini-Moguls!
I've got to tell you, sometimes this comic is guided by powers beyond my control or understanding. Take tonight. It's been a stressful week here at the lair, dealing with some serious family health issues (all of which seem to be resolving well, knock on unobtainium), and arrived home tonight, short of sleep, after a day mostly spent in the car driving mountain roads, and with no new comic to post. I didn't even have a germ of an idea.
And part of me said, "screw it, it can just be late this week, or I can take a week off! There are more important things, and I'm due!" But I took a few minutes to wander over to the Minions at Work stage and look around for some inspiration. And I picked up a box of assorted props that I hadn't look at in I-don't-know-how-long. And my hand fell on a tiny replica of a Battleship TM game! No, fate had decreed that sleep would be a while in coming.
Now, if you didn't know it, the "Battleship" movie opened in U.S. theaters this weekend, where it promptly caught fire, capsized, and sank. Based on weekend box-office numbers, it looks to follow "John Carter" as this summer's second big-budget flop.
Now, part of me feels bad about this, because there are some nice folks over at Hasbro, which makes the Battleship game these days, and of course, I'm a huge fan of their classic GI Joe line, and have always had a soft-spot for the Transformers too. But for the life of me, I can't understand how a movie like Battleship ever seemed like a good idea to anyone.
I mean, first of all, the idea that the game is a strong enough property to hang a major movie on pretty questionable. I mean, there aren't even any characters (unless you count the plucky PT boat defending its two peg holes)! But then, who thought, "let's turn it into an alien invasion movie? And then pack it full of effects that look like outtakes from Transformers: Dark of the Moon!"
This isn't the eighties folks! You can't just blame it all on the cocaine!
But wait... Maybe this isn't as insane an idea as it seems! How's this for an alien-invasion "Battleship" movie premise:
Battleship
The nuclear aircraft carrier USS George Washington is scheduled to arrive at San Francisco harbor, but just off shore, the vessel slows to a stop and begins to drift. There are no signs of damage or distress, but the ship doesn't answer. When a helicopter is sent to investigate, the ship is empty, the crew missing. There is no sign of a struggle, no sign of violence. The crew has simply vanished...
Meanwhile, back at the Pentagon, Admiral Distinguished (played by a distinguished elder actor with a certain kind of rough grit, Clint Eastwood being the perfect choice, but there are others) and his talented but abrasive new aid, Commander Studmuffin, have been charged by the Joint Chiefs to get to the bottom of the mystery. The Admiral is of course regarded as the greatest naval strategist of the modern age, and rapidly approaching retirement. Commander Studmuffin is brilliant but insubordinate. The Admiral, seeing his potential, has rescued him from a possible court-martial, and this is literally his last chance.
They soon learn that naval crews, only the very best, are disappearing all over the fleet, and when a Russian frigate is found adrift in the north Atlantic, the admiral realizes it isn't just happening to the US Navy. He reaches out to a Russian admiral, and the two old cold-warriors face off. The Russian is at first reluctant to admit the truth, but then is convinced to confirm that the same thing is happening to them.
Commander Studmuffin identifies a pattern in the disappearances, and is able to predict that the next disappearance will be the crew of a destroyer that his just left the very port they're at! Radio communications are down, and a storm has grounded aircraft. Fortunately, a small, plucky patrol boat is available that the Admiral commandeers to go after the destroyer and try and warn them.
They arrive, but too late! They break out the fog and clouds to see a huge UFO hovering over the destroyer, which is trapped in a bubble of energy, like a fly in amber, a some kind of beam of energy scans the vessel. A second beam sweeps the plucky patrol boat, which fires off a missile to try and distract the UFO. This seems to work a little too well, as the UFO releases the destroyer and turns its attention on the little boat. They try to escape, using every trick the Admiral and his aide can come up with, but it's not enough. An energy field envelops the little vessel and...
The Admiral and the Commander wake up on the bridge of a ship. A very OLD ship, though all the paint and equipment looks factory new. They stagger out onto the gangways and look down on the deck of a vast battleship floating in a calm sea. Below them, hundreds of sailors are pulling themselves from the deck, emerging from every hatch and passageway, dazed and confused. Where are they, and how did they get on the deck of the U.S.S. Iowa, looking as new and ship-shape as when it set out for sea-trials in 1940...
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