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Monday, October 29, 2007

Minions #87 - Off Target



CLICK ON IMAGE FOR LARGER VERSION

Don't miss the latest ravings of a lunatic madman, your Minion Master, following the usual commercial misfire...

While waiting for your impending doom, shop:
THE MINION'S LAIR OF MERCHANDISE
"If you're not 100% satisfied, then the beatings will begin!"

and

NUMBER TWO'S HOUSE OF NAUGHTY

(Oh, come on. You know you want to be naughty!)

Join the Minions reminder email list or we will send a presidential candidate to kiss all your babies!* It's free, it's easy, and you'll never miss a Minions at Work cartoon (or if you do, it won't be our fault!)

*Actually, we're just going to send Minion Number Two and he's just going to bruise the little tyke's face with his gas-mask. This, however, is still better than being kissed by the candidate.)

A message down the firing range from your fearless leader:

Greetings, bulls-eyes,


This week I have to confess that I'm at a bit of fan-boy heaven over the return of some of my favorite TV villains, the Cylons! Okay, admittedly, the Cylons have been back for a while in Ron Moore's wonderfully reimagined version of Battlestar Galactica on the SciFi Channel.

But while the new "skin jobs" played by the likes of Grace Park and Tricia Helfer are easy on the eyes, and the new CGI metal Cylons are pretty cool, I still miss the old-school chrome-plated "toasters" with their grating, mechanical voices and signature, scanning, red eye.

Not long ago, I heard rumors that the 2-hour Galactica movie, Razor, would flash back to the first Cylon war, and that this might feature the appearance of some Cylon models more familiar to us Galactica old timers. SciFi later decided to carve out these "flashback" sequences and turn them into two-minute episodes that would air as promotional spots as as webisodes, so I didn't even have to wait until the late-November premier of Razor to find out.

Well, my hopes were raised in Flashback #3, where a young William Adama fights against some decidedly retro-style Cylon raiders. The big pay-off, though is is Flashback #4, where Adama comes face to face with a Cylon pilot. Yes, it's old-school. No, it doesn't look like a guy in a suit this time. Yes, I am pleased.

Okay, I am a geek.

Okay, so I loved how the old Cylons looked and how they sounded, but lets face it, they were never a fraction of the threat that the new guys are. And thus the inspiration for this week's cartoon. See, those old Cylons could never hit the broad side of a barn. In fact, a archetypal old-Galactica scene would be to have Starbuck or Apollow (or both) encounter a group of Cylons in a corridor somewhere. The Cylons would shoot first, and despite our heroes making no effort to take cover, they would miss. In fact, the Cylons could fire any number of rounds and they would seem to hit anything but the heroes standing in plain sight. Then Starbuck (or Apollo, or both) would squeeze off a singled shot, which would explode the dead-center of the nearest Cylon's chest, and it would fall down. Wash, rinse, repeat, until you run out of Cylons to shoot.

So for years, whenever my wife and I have seen TV or movie villains (or their minions) who couldn't seem to shoot straight when it came to hitting the good-guys, we identified them as graduates of the "Cylon School of Marksmanship." Well, finally, after all these years, we get to see how the process works.

See you guys next week.

- Steve

Monday, October 22, 2007

Minions #86 - One Heartbeat Away

Lots of stuff going on this week, so be sure to scroll down and check our our entire message!


CLICK ON IMAGE FOR LARGER VERSION

Don't miss the latest ravings of a lunatic madman, your Minion Master, following the usual commercial gruel...

While waiting for your impending doom, shop:
THE MINION'S LAIR OF MERCHANDISE
"If you're not 100% satisfied, then the beatings will begin!"

and

NUMBER TWO'S HOUSE OF NAUGHTY

(Oh, come on. You know you want to be naughty!)

Join the Minions reminder email list or we will send a presidential candidate to kiss all your babies!* It's free, it's easy, and you'll never miss a Minions at Work cartoon (or if you do, it won't be our fault!)

*Actually, we're just going to send Minion Number Two and he's just going to bruise the little tyke's face with his gas-mask. This, however, is still better than being kissed by the candidate.)

A message to ground-zero from your fearless leader:

Greetings, prisoners of gravity,


It's back to the dungeons this week. We only occasionally do anything like topical humor here, but I like this one, so here it is. My biggest concern, in looking back at things, is that the similar cartoon featuring Martha Stewart a month or so back is the first cartoon in a long time to get no comments from you guys. Does that mean you hated the concept, hate Martha, don't know who Martha is, or maybe just your fingers seize up that week. I just don't know. So let me know if this sort of thing amuses you or not. There's something about Number Two staring into a darkened cell that just sets my mind working.


On another note, we've got a new Star Trek the Next Generation Ebook out from Pocket Books. It's called "A Sea of Troubles," the first installment (though it stands alone) in a six-part epic that will fill in the lost year of the U.S.S. Enterprise E's history before the movie Star Trek: First Contact. It's the time of the Dominion War (as seen in the TV series Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) and though she's far away from the front-lines on her shakedown cruise, even the Enterprise can't escape the deadly threat of the Dominion. Check it out on the publisher's site. It's available for immediate download for about the price of a Happy Meal at McDonalds, and it probably tastes better too!


Those of you cool people who are on our weekly reminder mailing list already know about the Minions at Work 2008 photo-calendar I've been working on. Well, it's finished! (When I originally posted this earlier today, I said that it wasn't quite ready and not to order it until I gave the word. Well, I'm giving the word! I spent the evening re-editing all the images and it should be 100% ready to go now! Oh, and it also now has a title. It's the Minions at Work - Evil in WIDESCREEN (Where Available) 2008 Calendar!) It's now available for for purchase at our Cafe Press Store! It's high-quality, spiral wire bound, printed on thick 100-pound weight, high-gloss cover stock. Decorate your faceless cubical-of-doom, or give it as the perfect holiday gift!

And with that, my regular plea to share "Minions at Work" with friends and family, and to drop us a note or, better yet, leave a comment here on the blog. Because love to hear from you.

- Steve

Monday, October 15, 2007

Minions #85 - Job Insecurity


Don't miss the latest ravings of a lunatic madman, your Minion Master, following the usual annoying noise...

While waiting for your impending doom, shop:
THE MINION'S LAIR OF MERCHANDISE
"If you're not 100% satisfied, then the beatings will begin!"

and

NUMBER TWO'S HOUSE OF NAUGHTY

(Oh, come on. You know you want to be naughty!)

Join the Minions reminder email list or we will send a presidential candidate to kiss all your babies!* It's free, it's easy, and you'll never miss a Minions at Work cartoon (or if you do, it won't be our fault!)

*Actually, we're just going to send Minion Number Two and he's just going to bruise the little tyke's face with his gas-mask. This, however, is still better than being kissed by the candidate.)

A message to ground-zero from your fearless leader:

Greetings, collateral damage,


We have a slogan here at Minions Central: "It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it!" Which is why, whenever possible, we pass the buck to a low-paid, expendable flunky.

Basically, there are two kinds of people in the world. The people who make up these stupid slogans, and the people who get stuck with the crap-ass jobs. We know what kind of person we want to be. How about you?

Hey, have you checked our sidebar lately? I'm always tinkering with it, updating the Evil List of Good Names for Rock Bands and the The Incomplete List of Evil Overlords and Super-villains, passing along new messages from our characters, and updating links. So check it out. You may be missing fun stuff.

Speaking of, maybe you've wondered who gets on The Incomplete List of Evil Overlords and Super-villains. Surely, there's no shortage of candidates, but in truth, you'll not find many real terrorists or murderers, or violent criminals there. Instead, I skim the current news for people, companies, agencies, or very occasionally, things that (in my evil opinion) annoy or offend on a grand scale, the sort of pervasive but low-level evil that rarely gets acknowledged as such. I usually don't explain who (or what) they are, or why they're on the list. I leave it to you to go do a little searching (Google's News Search is always a good place to start).

Know somebody you think should be on the list? Drop me a note. If I agree, I'll put them up.

And with that, my regular plea to share "Minions at Work" with friends and family, and to drop us a note or, better yet, leave a comment here on the blog. Because love to hear from you.

- Steve

Monday, October 08, 2007

Minions #84 - Big Cheese




Click on cartoon for full-sized version.

Don't miss the latest ravings of a lunatic madman, your Minion Master, following the usual annoying noise...

While waiting for your impending doom, shop:
THE MINION'S LAIR OF MERCHANDISE
"If you're not 100% satisfied, then the beatings will begin!"

and

NUMBER TWO'S HOUSE OF NAUGHTY

(Oh, come on. You know you want to be naughty!)

Join the Minions reminder email list or we will send a presidential candidate to kiss all your babies!* It's free, it's easy, and you'll never miss a Minions at Work cartoon (or if you do, it won't be our fault!)

*Actually, we're just going to send Minion Number Two and he's just going to bruise the little tyke's face with his gas-mask. This, however, is still better than being kissed by the candidate.)

A message about milk - it does a baddie good:

Greetings, Swiss Army Knaves,


"Dinosaur Milk." It makes me laugh to say it. I makes me laugh to type it. Same with "Dinosaur Cheese."

"Dinosaur Cheese." There. I did it again.



And with that, my regular plea to share "Minions at Work" with friends and family, and to drop us a note or, better yet, leave a comment here on the blog. We love to hear from you.

See you next week.

-Steve

Monday, October 01, 2007

Minions #83 - Guarding Martha




Don't miss the latest ravings of a lunatic madman, your Minion Master, following the usual annoying noise...

While waiting for your impending doom, shop:
THE MINION'S LAIR OF MERCHANDISE
"If you're not 100% satisfied, then the beatings will begin!"

and

NUMBER TWO'S HOUSE OF NAUGHTY

(Oh, come on. You know you want to be naughty!)

Join the Minions reminder email list or we will send a presidential candidate to kiss all your babies!* It's free, it's easy, and you'll never miss a Minions at Work cartoon (or if you do, it won't be our fault!)

*Actually, we're just going to send Minion Number Two and he's just going to bruise the little tyke's face with his gas-mask. This, however, is still better than being kissed by the candidate.)

An now a lovely idea for making a festive fall wreath out of human bones, courtesy of your Minion Master.

Greetings, Jail Birds,


I'm running late again this week. Life gets in the way sometimes. But at least I'm not sporting the latest "in" celebrity accessory that everyone is wearing, the ankle bracelet. (And I'm not talking about a lovely gold number with a penguin charm either!) Thank goodness that our law enforcement system is busy keeping us safe from a woman who can bake a Thanksgiving turkey covered in decorative puff-pastry! That's evil, man!


Actually, Martha would make a great Evil Overlord. She has an evil empire. She has a lair (with an evil herb garden out back, an evil craft lab, and an evil China-closet the size of a blimp-hangar), and she has a plan to rule the world. Also, if you pay close attention, I'll just bet that most of the heavy lifting around Casa-Martha is done by a legion of Minions.

And has jail ended her evil ways? No way! Before jail, you could find Martha Stewart products in K-Mart. Now, post-jail, you can find them in Macy's! You go girl! Just remember to look us up for all your Minion needs! (Quick, guys! Stock up on puff-pastry!)

Till next week...

-Steve.